I Ignored My Dad’s Birthday and Didn’t Buy Him a Gift — But I Have a Good Reason to

He explained what happened.

Ever since I (16m) was a little kid I got my dad a birthday gift with the help of my (surrogate) grandparents. My mom died when I was 2 so it was me and dad for a lot of years. Dad and I used to be really close.

Then when I was 10 he met Jen and he met her kids who were 18 months and 3 years old at the time. Dad and Jen fell in love pretty fast and they moved in together a few months after they met. Jen was divorced and her kids’ dad wasn’t around. So my dad decided he needed to step up and be a good dad to them. He told me things would change but I was still his son and he’d make time for me. But ever since he decided Jen’s kids were going to be his, he let me down a lot.

It started with us having plans and him having to cancel because one of the kids was sick. Then it was they had a play or a game he needed to be there for. Or it was they had decided to have one of the kids’ birthday parties early and dad needed to be there. But he wasn’t doing the same for me. When I got sick he’d send me to my grandparents or expect me to stay with Jen while he did something with Jen’s kids. If I had something on he’d apologize for missing it and would say he had plans with Jen’s kids.

Oh, and the big thing that makes me mad is for the last 6 years (almost) he gives Jen’s kids credit and thanks them too when I buy him a gift. Even when I tell him it’s from only me. He talks about it being teamwork to get him that.

I tried talking to Dad. He admitted he let me down. He told me he was afraid of Jen’s kids feeling rejected if he were to cancel with them for me. That he didn’t want them to feel like he loved me more when all three of us were equal. I told him he cares more about them and he asked how I could say that after 10 years of having all his attention. He asked me to think about the kids whose bio dad walked out on them and who could feel really unwanted if he were to let them down.

I told him I didn’t care about them or their feelings or whether they felt loved and wanted. I told him I didn’t feel loved and wanted. I feel resentful of the fact he gives them credit for my gifts, he cancels on me for them, but won’t give the same back. He told me he couldn’t change it but he could try to let me down less. I told him he was putting them ahead of me and I told him I was done. He can enjoy having two kids instead of three.

He didn’t think I would follow through. This big talk happened back in April. Dad’s birthday was yesterday and I didn’t join in on any of the celebrations and I got him nothing. I didn’t even say happy birthday. I knew they were going out for the day but I didn’t go and I knew ahead of time. When they got home Dad was upset because I was on the couch playing video games. He told me he’d missed me. Jen told me I had hurt my dad and was behaving like a child instead of a 16-year-old.

People stood on his side.

• “It is sorta petty but you tried with grown-up talk and it didn’t work out. It was a powerful move to show him how he makes you feel all the time. It is okay to accept stepkids, as he should — but he obviously put them ahead of you. Soon you will be old enough to move out and forget about all of them.” anya-444 / Reddit
• “As soon as you said ’He said he would try to let you down LESS’ it just meant he wasn’t going to stop ignoring you and forgetting you exist. You tried to deal with it maturely and he got whiney when you treat him the way he treats you.” mother-of-dragons13 / Reddit
• “You are a child. One that’s been abandoned by his father, despite the fact you live in the same home as him. You’ve done all that you can to communicate your hurt to him. Now it’s time to protect your heart. He may come back to you soon and promise change. Believe only his actions. I’d recommend you get therapy for yourself. You’ve been through a lot, losing your mother and then being emotionally abandoned by your father, and you will need help to process this.” Pleasant-Koala147 / Reddit

• “I would tell your father that the feeling of sadness that he had on his birthday, you have felt for many years, that day he was in your place If you want your father to understand how much this affects you, maybe you should try talking to him again. Maybe even seek help from a psychologist if possible. Talking in a calm environment where both parties can express their feelings and experiences can help find a solution that works for everyone.” ninaisnau***ty / Reddit
• “It’s kind of ironic how he became a hero dad to his stepchildren but a bad dad to you. That’s just not how it works. He might save the other kids, but he became an absent father to yours and for the stepmom to meddle by telling you you’re acting like a child, she has no right to say so and she should’ve just let the two of you talk.” kyravalentina_ / Reddit
• “If you’re open to still having a relationship with your dad, I’d suggest asking him whether you could all attend family therapy, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re just done with the situation at this point.” laughinglovinglivid / Reddit